Sex and the married hip patient

My husband was the only male - and hip candidate - in Joint Replacement Class last night. The rest of the students were older women scheduled for knee replacements. I was the only spouse/"coach" in attendance. We took our seats at the U-shaped table and the hubs opened his Guidebook for Hips.

Look at those hip patients hula-hooping. Wow!

On the right was the table of contents with tabbed sections like Preoperative Checklist and Postoperative Care.

On the left was a pocket containing this....

 Without hesitation, he opened the booklet on top of the table and started reading. At least two of the gals took notice. One lady shot me a knowing glance. I think she may have winked. The teacher, a very pregnant R.N., started the Power Point but he kept reading. "Pay attention!" I whispered, at which point he lowered the booklet to his lap, under the table and pretended to watch the presentation. Afterward, on the way to dinner, I asked, "Did you learn anything from that sex booklet?" "Yes," he replied, "it says you should have as much sex before surgery as possible. At least, once a day. Something about getting oxygen into the blood." "Nice try," I answered.
    This morning, I decided to read the booklet myself. The information was good, but the pictures told the story....

Something tells me this guy isn't going to wait.

This photo seems to suggest hip patients do it at the kitchen table.

Uh-oh. Looks like he should have waited.

My favorite. I really like their hairstyles.

Back to school we go!

This is fairly close to what we actually looked like in '81.

The last time my husband and I took a class together was in 1981. Childbirth class or Lamaze, I think they called it, at St. Luke's Hospital. Our teacher happened to be my best friend, an R.N. who would help deliver our firstborn child. After class, we went shopping for baby stuff, then to dinner at a cheap restaurant. It was the best class we ever attended with a comprehensive exam at the end...one that continues 32 years later (which is something they don't teach you: the test goes on till you're in the grave!)

Look at us now! Apparently, we'll both be really good tennis players after the hubs' surgery.

Tonight, we will complete our educational circle by attending Total Hip Replacement Class at St. Luke's South. I don't know who is teaching the class, but the flyer promised good information, snacks and things to take home. After class, we'll go shopping for a new exercise bike (recommended for hip patients) then to dinner at a moderately-priced restaurant. The test at the end will come after next week's surgery, when I am the nurse (read: boss) and he is the patient at home. For the record, he hasn't exactly been cramming for the test.

Boxing Day: Detoxing, decompressing and deals

I'm not really sure what Boxing Day means, but it's the day after a wonderful-yet-exhausting Christmas and I couldn't be happier NOT to be working today.  I am sipping my detox tea, tidying up the empty gift bags and savoring the solitude of an empty house (both kids are house-sitting elsewhere and the hubs has to work.) I'm also taking advantage of some great deals from Apple on apps for my new iPad.  Note: These deals are only good for today.  

Christmas Eve din-din

Good thing we only eat like this once a year.

The individual Beef Wellingtons came out better than ever last night. So much so that my son - not I, surprisingly - hopped up and said, "I know we're going analog, but I have to get a picture." I don't think it made Instagram, but his compliments made this chef's night. Sides were horseradish mashers, Brussels sprouts with bacon, onion and dates, and a kale Caesar salad. There were no leftovers for Santa.

'Tis the season, after all!

Ho, ho, ho!

And, suddenly, it happens. You're driving around running last-minute errands, wearing your funny stocking cap with the bell on the tip, listening to Mariah Carey on the radio...and it hits you. The spirit that has fully eluded you for 24 days. You suddenly feel so good, you snap a selfie in the drive-through line at Walgreens (because sinus problems never take a holiday), then cruise head-on to the grocery store where everyone is in such a freaking good mood, they don't seem to mind the insane congestion in the aisles. Every last shopper is smiling, meeting your eyes as they pass. Maybe it's that crazy hat you're wearing, who knows? Even the overworked sackers are happy. Things are going so well, you think, "I might as well fill up for the road trip to Mom's tomorrow." So, you wait in another line, now listening to Nat King Cole and, my God, who is better than Nat King Cole?! And, it doesn't matter if you have tons of wrapping and cooking left to do. It's Christmas Eve, your favorite day of the year. And if the Christmas spirit took a little longer to get here than usual, it will be well worth it when you're gathered around the table with family, enjoying a traditional Beef Wellington dinner, great wine and love, love, love.  Merry Christmas and happiest of holidays, no matter how you celebrate. xo

Christmas magic!

So, I'm browsing the Internet, doing God knows what God knows where, when all of a sudden Google does this to my last photo, automatically:

I'm freaking out a little bit right now....but in a good way.

Getting in the spirit

In an effort to get more festive today, I took steps to force myself into the holiday mood:
1) I started wrapping presents behind closed doors... 

Our bedroom door, which looks like our front door because it used to be.

2) I tied little bows and tags on the neighbor gifts....

This year: Papa, Mama and Baby Bear honey jars from the holiday farmers' market.

3) I dusted my nutcrackers. (Don't laugh. It's only when you get up close and personal with a nutcracker that you appreciate his fine characteristics.)

Nutcracker selfie! Sort of.

This "staying busy with festive things" strategy seems to be working. And now, more shopping.

Doggie upper!

I'm not feeling as festive as I should be. For a number of reasons, really. Yesterday's snowfall helped. As did this little internet gem: a series of pictures of Theo and Beau, two peas in a pod....at least, every day at 2 pm. Peruse. Be amazed and heartened. And, try not to envy Theo's incredible collection of bed linens!

Another 'why didn't I think of that?'

You know that shiny, little light bulb that magically appears over your head when you get a bright idea? Well, somebody decided to shrink that bulb, make it an LED and place it between the prongs of a pair of tweezers. The result: The greatest stocking stuffer ever invented!

Note to self: Must change trampy party polish before neighborhood open house today.

These LED Tweezers from the DCI company are just $5.95 at the little general store downtown. I found a pair from Sally Hansen here and several other brands and styles elsewhere. I guess the idea is neither new nor novel. (I don't go shopping much since I've retired.) Still, they work like a charm. Just yesterday, I was able to spot an errant hair under my chin that had clearly eluded me for some time. Between these and my lighted magnifying mirror, no whisker is safe!

Raising the blood pressure bar

There is nothing I would like more than to kiss my blood pressure pills buh-bye...which would make me med-free. Today, I read new guidelines for blood pressure in the over-60 set might make that possible. Huh?!? First, the hubs doesn't need his cholesterol medicine after all, and now this? Seriously, which study and who can we really trust? I'm tempting to take a break from the pills, monitoring myself every day, to see what happens. But, not until after the holidays, the hubs' hip replacement surgery and my son moving to New York.  I may or may not be hypertensive, but I'm not an idiot.

Cyber crooks hit the bullseye

It's nothing short of amazing that I have NOT visited Target this year since Thanksgiving Day. That makes me one of the lucky ones whose credit card info didn't get compromised/stolen in one of the largest retail cluster hacks in history. Honestly, I'm surprised this doesn't happen more often. But, in case it happened to you, here's some good info on what to do from the FTC.