Bad writer sucks the fun out of kissing

         Congratulations to novelist Molly Ringle, this year's winner of the notorious Bulwer-Lytton prize for bad writing, for turning one of my favorite activities into rodent porn with the following passage:
       "For the first month of Ricardo and Felicity's affair, they greeted one another at every stolen rendezvous with a kiss – a lengthy, ravenous kiss, Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity's mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world's thirstiest gerbil."
        On second thought, I think I may have dated Ricardo in 9th grade.